and I realise I’ve been slowing God down.
Did you ever sing this song?
My lifetime, I will give God my lifetime.
If I give God my lifetime, He will take care of me.
He will never ever let me down
I will give God my lifetime.
I’m not sure the age, but I wasn’t older than 18 when I got that word over me. Sadly, I had not gotten the wisdom to write words down but the theme in Matthew 6:33 cuts it, and it’s why I am careful to not sing the above song loosely.
You know how sometimes, we get a word over us and hide away from it. Personally, what I do is, guilt-trip God and hold thoughts like; if God wants me to do it, He will enforce it. But no! God isn’t Hitler, little wonder why salvation remains a gift. He won’t impose His will on you.
So, if God has said something to you, you’d better pick your bag and get with it.
Have I considered giving myself to God? Absolutely. Have I sought out the things of God? Definitely! But you know, something always comes up. You war against the flesh, miss your way, find it. Go astray and it’s a rocky path! Frankly, I fear that my inconsistencies could lead me on the path of destruction, and this isn’t even on God. It’s a simple logic; you reap what you sow.
I’m probably being too hard on myself right now but for a moment, I would just be honest, this isn’t self-sabotage right? In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, he says: when I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. It’s time for me to put away childish things because nah, I can’t continue my life like this.
So I turn 25 in ten days, and I am committing my life into God’s hands, asking that He orders my steps, and guides me in the way to go because without His breath, I am just a girl chasing shadows.
This direction I seek transcends my career and ambitions. It’s about my entirety, what makes me, me. What on earth am I here for? Consider it this way, God created you and all there is to you is that you’re constantly trying to fend for yourself, live in a country like Nigeria. But you know, that’s what we do, we live selfishly in this world.
It’s always about us, and at the last minute or never for some, we think, oh! what will God even have me do? Never again for me.
25 is that age for me. For so long, I’ve looked forward to it. Some get it earlier, others later. But I have always thought there was something to the age, and I am on the path to finding it out.
Weeks ago, I was talking to a teenager, his mother was bitterly complaining about his misdoings and I said to him; no one, no new advice would change you except you make up your mind to become a better person. The moment I said that, I sneered at myself in hypocrisy because I promise you, those words were for me more than him. I have made countless excuses for myself, for why I act the way I do, for why I drench myself in frivolities, why I would self-sabotage and shed tears, weep when all I need to do is step up, and become a better person.
I have stayed under wholesome teachings and learnt prayer and devotion to God’s word. I am not a ‘learner’ so why do I keep acting as one? Why do I rather yield my whole being to the flesh, live in regrets and self-pity? Why do I keep acting like I’m at a disadvantage? Why do I yield to the voices in my head when I distinctively hear God’s beckon?
Well, no more depending on self, it’s time to aggressively give God my lifetime, and nothing else matters. Happy birthday to me!